December 2nd – 8th is National Grief Awareness Week. This year’s theme is ‘Shine a Light’ which aims to illuminate the outstanding people, places and projects supporting and providing bereavement services. Here Nick Moorhouse from Hospice Isle of Man talks about their newly formed ‘Social Gents’ group which supports all bereaved men in the community.

It was recognised that there was a gap in the provision of support for men who had experienced the loss of a loved one through Hospice Isle of Man. Although as an organisation we provide bereavement support to all family members and loved ones of patients, it is something that is not so widely taken up by men.

It was felt that a men-only bereavement group would be beneficial, and I was delighted to be asked to run it. When we all got to chatting, we realised that bereavement is a much wider issue affecting men across the Island and ‘Social Gents’ was born. We don’t label ourselves as a ‘Hospice only’ group.

The primary goal is to catch bereaved men who have fallen away from traditional support and who feel that they don’t have a support network that others may have. As a bereaved man myself, I find it difficult to talk about personal loss and to find a safe space to do so. Our focus is on providing this safe space.

Societal expectations and traditional gender roles can significantly impact the male grieving process. Rightly or wrongly, we feel like we need to appear strong, even in the face of significant loss. This can increase the feeling of loneliness and isolation, which in a quiet and empty house can be deafening. We aim to be a friendly ear in a safe space to visit regularly, get warm and have a good moan about things.

There is also often a sudden realisation that the support they were used to might have gone and that most things in their daily lives will change. The challenge then becomes being able to pick up whatever pieces you can to create something as close to ‘whole’ as you remember. It’s great when we can be a sounding board for the new challenges that arise in their lives and talk through ways to be a happier and healthier person.

I think as a society we are getting better at challenging the stigma around male mental health and vulnerability, but there is still a lot of work that needs to be done. Traditionally men were discouraged from expressing vulnerability and not given a space to openly share their feelings. As a result, we find it harder to do so in open forums. Being a ‘gents only’ group goes someway to creating a more comfortable environment.

Whilst I cannot divulge exactly what is discussed, I can assure you that the chat is heavy with wit and a fair amount of ‘Bigger Fish’ stories. We often look to get out for lunches and have guest speakers in or just have a good old chat about current affairs. There is only one rule about these chats, there must be a respect shown to each other. Think of us all as future friends at the pub having a bit of banter and catching up on nothing out of the ordinary. We recently attended lunch at Milntown and were treated to a fascinating view and discussion of the vintage vehicles.

When you come to ‘Social Gents’ you belong to something. As a member, you will always be listened to, respected, and never judged. You can say what you feel and explore any and all avenues of self-healing with the group. Knowing that other people are going through the same thing as you, and the issues (whether mentally or practically) you are facing are normal can be hugely reassuring. In just a few weeks I have noticed the ‘weight’ being lifted off many shoulders and seeing how the group brings a piece of joy and fun to an otherwise complicated chapter of life makes it so worthwhile.

Any and all bereaved men looking for a safe space to have a laugh and/or be vulnerable with like-minded men are welcome to join ‘Social Gents’. Here, stories are told & brews are drunk. It takes place every Friday morning at our facility from 9:30 till approx. noon. We operate as a drop-in service and all bereaving men are welcome to attend.

As part of National Grief Awareness Week Hospice Isle of Man have joined forces with Cruse Bereavement Support Isle of Man to ‘Shine a Light’ on Grief and the support services available to the Manx community. They will be hosting a drop in ‘Grief Café’ on Thursday 5th December from 12 – 4pm at the Santander Work Café. The café will provide a chance for members of the public to drop in and find out more about both charities and there will also be information about volunteering opportunities at Hospice Isle of Man.