‘What about men?’ Have you ever heard that phrase? It’s often uttered passive aggressively after someone references International Women’s Day or mentions basic needs of women in general.

‘What do you MEAN you want MORE STUFF? MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL NOW. WE’VE HAD A WOMAN DR WHO!!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!!!!!’

Truth be told, women and men are not equal. We are more equal than we were a few decades ago – marital rape was made illegal in UK law in 1991. NINETEEN NINETY-ONE. Back to the Future Part III came out the year before. Christopher Lloyd had learned how to time travel back and forth three times before it was illegal to rape your wife.

It’s important to be grateful for the strides taken by feminists throughout history that have got us to this point. Without them I wouldn’t even be writing this article. But it’s also important to remember why we still need feminism.

A handful of examples off the top of my head would be:

For those people who say they’re not a feminist, there are different types and waves of feminism yes but put simply if you believe women shouldn’t be facing these issues and deserve to be equal in opportunity and rights with men, then you are a feminist. It doesn’t mean you hate men or can’t shave your legs. It’s not as scary or as ‘undesirable’ as the outdated patriarchal media has made it out to be, specifically to keep people from joining the movement.

‘BUT we are not here to talk about issues facing women, because WHAT ABOUT MEN?’ say the commenters (details blurred to protect their delicate emotions).

Well, who is at the crux of these acts that are preventing equality? Systems created by men and for men. So, what about men? What does that question really mean when asked by the average Joe? On the surface it’s a question that comes from fear. An uncomfortable threatening feeling that by women and allies fighting for women’s rights, they’re oppressing men. This isn’t true. Fighting for equality for any minority group is a balancing of the scale, not a taking away. And if it was accurate that we were taking rights AWAY from men (which, is not true, just to specify that once again) what are you kicking up a fuss about? Are you saying you wouldn’t like to be in the same boat as people who have fewer rights and opportunities than you? Interesting.

BUT YES, WHAT ABOUT MEN. Please, tell me about the issues facing the people who have more rights than any other demographic worldwide. Saying men are being hard-done-by because women are finally calling them out on bad behaviour that they’ve been able to get away with for generations under the guise of ‘boys will be boys’ doesn’t count.

Got nothing else? Well, here’s some information about very real problems facing men, taken from the UK Parliament 2024 International Men’s Day doc.

The stigma around men being able to ask for help of any form, be it physical, mental, or emotional is life-threatening. So, what is it that’s being taught to boys about masculinity that leads to this data?

People recoil from the term toxic masculinity. Some well-known influencers have utilised it as an attack on men and masculinity as a whole, deeming it to be a term that says all men are bad and all male role models have done a terrible job raising their sons. But the term isn’t saying all masculinity is toxic. It’s calling out the aspects of masculinity that are, and how those parts harm men and, in turn, women, minority groups, and other men.

Those are the parts telling kids ‘boys don’t cry’. The parts that lead to a teenage mate calling his male pal a ‘pussy’ for showing emotion or liking a ‘chick flick’. The part that sees parents concerned their son wants to dress up as Moana for Halloween because he doesn’t see gender but simply a brilliant character, even though the same concern isn’t shown with their daughter wanting to dress up as Robin Hood. The parts that tell boys and men not to be sensitive, not to be vulnerable, to never ask for help because to do so could be seen as being weak, and there’s nothing worse than a man being judged as weak. Because then you’re not a real man. To be a real man you should be strong, confident, stoic, in control, a protector of woman (ironically, from other men) where the only emotion you’re allowed to show and be respected for is anger.

It’s interesting that all the things deemed to be weak are traditionally associated with women. So, is it really a surprise when boys grow up treating women badly, or thinking themselves better than women, when they’ve been told that to show ‘feminine’ qualities is bad?

That suppression of emotion is so sad, and creates a huge, often unconscious, psychological burden from such a young age. The only time it seems to be acceptable for a boy to cry is when they’re a baby. And that’s because they don’t understand the words ‘boys don’t cry’ yet.

One of the best things about being a woman is being able to feel our emotions and having female friends that make us feel safe to share them with. We are so good at this. It’s a superpower. We can form an emotional connection with a spoon that’s separated from the rest of the cutlery. Opening up to someone in a women’s bathroom within 2 minutes of meeting them, that later leads to them being invited on our annual gal pal trip to Bongo’s Bingo is a weekly occurrence. That’s how powerful it is to be a woman.

We support and look out for one another even if we don’t know each other. Wonderful relationships and truly kind moments come from a woman unafraid to be vulnerable sat with a woman unafraid in the face of vulnerability. This sense of community leads to a longer and more fulfilling life. We can connect because society has told us it’s okay for us to do so.

Where women form lasting bonds over showing emotion, many men develop a core belief that showing emotion and being open and vulnerable will lead to them being ostracised by fellow men. That emotions are uncontrollable, and to give in to them is to lose a sense of honour and control. It’s incredibly sad and must be a very lonely way of life. Evidently so, looking at the data on male loneliness, the number of men who still feel they can’t ask for help when it comes to mental health, and the stark rates of male suicide.

But it’s not just men this narrative hurts. What happens when you’re repeatedly told you have to suppress your feelings in order to be accepted by society, and the only acceptable emotion for you to show is anger? Violence. Which is what we see in the news. A lot of violence. Against women, minorities, and other men.

The irony is that all these problems facing men stem from the exact same place that causes women problems, the patriarchy. It’s the system telling a boy that he has to be a certain way to be accepted in the world, and it does the same for girls. Women are not men’s enemy; we have the same enemy.

So, please stop saying ‘when’s International Men’s Day’ in response to the mention of International Women’s Day. If you really wanted to know, you could easily find out that International Men’s Day is on 19th November. Use your day to celebrate the best parts of men – the kindness, the empathy, the parts unthreatened by others, the playful parts that don’t take themselves too seriously, the supportive parts, the helpful parts, the brave parts that stand up for others even when they’re not in the room, and the patient persistence to follow IKEA instructions - and then highlight the issues facing men. It is not the job of women or minority groups to do this for you, but we will support and cheer you on in your strides to cut the patriarchal strings tying you down.

Next time, instead of saying ‘what about men’ in response to women talking about the issues they face, try saying something more substantial that will benefit the people in the room. Like ‘my, my, what a nice hat you have on today’ or ‘well, I say, I didn’t know Stevie Nicks was a Gemini.’ Or go and do something that actually helps men, and by-proxy, women and other minority groups.